Twenty Comments About Online Model Profiles

One of my hobbies is reading profiles. I read a lot of profiles from several different modeling sites, but especially on Model Mayhem and OMP. I read photographers' profiles, but mostly I stick to the ones posted by models. Yes, I actually read them, as it's sometimes a great way to relieve stress. I find profiles that simply don't make any sense, I read some that don't give enough information, and, Gawd forbid, I read profiles that tell me things I don't need or want to know.

So from a photographer's perspective, here are some tips for models, in the form of "do this" and "don't do that." See if you're guilty.

    1. I don't care if you're bi- tri- or quadrilingual. My camera only speaks English.

    2. So you can sing and want to be on American Idol? My camera is tone deaf. So is Simon Cowell, for that matter.

    3. You took lots of dance classes? You might mention this if you believe your dance training helps you to move better or more gracefully in front of the camera. But please don't go into excruciating detail about your dance recital when you were six.

    4. You've given your life to Jesus? My camera is a Pagan, and my Compact Flash card is an atheist. They don't care about your religion. I don't mind if you're an Existentialist. I am too.

    5. You don't do nudes because you gave your life to Jesus? I don't care WHY you don't do nudes. Just say so and leave the moralizing for the theologians.

    6. Bikini photos are not "adult content." (If you're too hung up on your body to pose in a bikini, you're probably not going to be able to pose well in anything.)

    7. Cheap lingerie in front of a wrinkled bedsheet does not a fine art photo make.

    8. You're perky, always have a smile on your face, and everyone you meet is a new friend? I translate this as "I am incredibly insecure, and I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing with my life, and maybe if I become a model, people will like me."

    9. "I know I'm only five feet tall, but someone on here will hire me for a runway show." Keep dreaming. Self delusion isn't attractive.

    10. You're displaying half a dozen cell phone pictures and are asking $100 an hour for your time. Huh? Not when I can find a half a dozen girls with the same pictures to work TFCD so they can throw away THEIR cell phone pictures.

    11. You respond to a message I sent you a year ago, and you expect me to remember who you are? And worse yet, you act like your little "lapse" is normal? (This is more common than I'd like to admit, but not "normal," and certainly not "professional." It's just rude.)

    12. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't call phone numbers on models' pages. I assume you're one of those rare individuals who really enjoys being stalked.

    13. Nobody really wants to hear about your husband and kids. I want to hear about your stretch marks, tattoos, and piercings--or lack of same. While I might let your husband come to the shoot, your kids might get their grubby little hands on my grenade launcher and cause problems with the neighbors.

    14. You have lots of "concepts" you want to shoot, but you need to find the right photogapher to shoot them? That's cool. I'll email you my rates.

    15. "I am passionate about modeling. It's all I live for. It's all I ever wanted to do, other than be a rocket scientist." You haven't logged on for six months and do so only to remind everyone how passionate you are, along with posting SIX MORE cell phone pictures, one of which is of your Pomeranian dressed up like a Holstein cow for Halloween. Can you spell "F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K"?

    16. If you have a funny, informative, well-thought-out profile, I might get in touch with you just to tell you so. If you're close by or traveling to my area, hey, I got time for a shoot.

    17. Good models tend to be intelligent and self-reflective. A good profile from an attractive, interesting model gets my attention, and the pictures do the rest.

    18. If you're not going to stick with it, please, please, please remove your portfolio and save everyone's time and the site's server space and bandwidth. This means responding to messages, even with a polite "No, but thank you" and making at least an effort to update important things. If you move, change the location information in your profile so searches for "Mississippi" don't turn up someone who is now in North Dakota.

    19. Please, please, please don't pad your resume with claims of experience you don't have or jobs you've never done. If your pictures look like crap, I won't believe you anyway.

    20. Finally, and most importantly, I want to hear from you, not some bogus "manager." If you're so busy that you need help handling your busy modeling schedule, you wouldn't be on the Internet. I know several models who treat their modeling like a real business, and it's fun to work with them because I know what to expect. If your boyfriend has to approve what you do, and with whom, either find another boyfriend or don't waste my time. Or anyone else's, for that matter.